Don't. Lose. Hope.

At One Night in Worship 2019, I got real…

I was vulnerable in ways that many spiritual leaders aren’t, simply because of their roles as leaders in the modern church. The modern church tends to put spiritual leaders on a pedestal so high, forgetting they are human too; condemning them when their weaknesses are exposed. As a result, spiritual leaders tend to hide their brokenness for the sake of ministry (maybe, just maybe, this is why we see Christians and spiritual leaders “walking away” from their faith?! We’re expected to be perfect, when we are just as broken and in need of Jesus as anyone else). But I am not one to hide. I am not one to stay in the shadows. I would rather stand in the light, be transparent, and grow with the church so they know they are not alone in their brokenness. So what did I talk about? The story behind the theme of One Night in Worship 2019 — Breakthrough. The theme to this year’s concert was special for me, because Breakthrough comes out of a particularly rough season. Forewarning, I am going to get real in this post. Is it ok that I am a real person? Hope so haha, cause here we go…

This past year, I found myself in a season of deep depression and anxiety; so deep that I ended up going to counseling. I’ve never dealt with depression or anxiety before, so I was experiencing a new form of pure brokenness. What got me Here? Honestly, many things. I was burnt out - I was working in full-time ministry, finishing up my masters degree, working on my first album release, all while trying to maintain relationships in my life — my life, as many people can relate to, became a major balancing game. To add to that, I experienced pain in ministry in ways I never thought I would at such a young age. I was burned by people I called friends. I was burned by people I called family. But for the sake of my ministry and leadership, I ignored my pain and pretended to be strong. For anyone who has studied psychology, this is classic case of overworking oneself and shoving emotions down rather than dealing with them to the point of mental breakdown. 

This is honestly what I experienced — mental breakdown. I felt alone. I felt abandoned. I felt betrayed. I felt excruciating pain and darkness liked I’ve never felt before in my life. In this season Satan worked his way into my mind and started screaming his lies. “You’re a failure. You call yourself a pastor? No one will ever love you. You’ll never be good enough. Just quit before you lose everything.”

I remember one night in particular, I came home from work early and just lied on my living room floor bawling my eyes out asking God, “where are you?!” There was spiritual warfare going on in that moment for my heart, my soul, and my mind. I was there in that haunting moment for hours. Eventually my best friend came home to find me in the living room. Instead of ignoring or interrupting the moment, he cried with me, sang worship songs over me and prayed for me for hours. Never in my life have I felt so lost and far from God. 

Being a musician and songwriter, I tend to channel my emotions into writing. To give you a glimpse into the pain I felt, here are some lyrics that I wrote in the midst of this season.

VERSE 1

The pain I feel within my heart is like I’m rotting from within.

And religion says to measure up, but I’m never good enough.

I can’t take this anymore. I can’t take this anymore.

VERSE 2

The lies I hear behind my back are like a dagger to the heart.

And the words of man are sweet to hear, but they always leave a scar. 

I can’t take this anymore, I can’t take this anymore. 

I going back, I’m running…

CHORUS

Back to the start where I can I can breathe again.

Before I took the bite that stole my life 

and kept me drowning on the floor 

Back to Eden, the garden of Eden 

I running back, back to the beginning.

In my season,  all I felt was pain. When I prayed, I prayed to go back… back to what “Eden” looked like for me in my life. Before the pain, before the betrayal, before the darkness overtook my outlook on life. But here’s the thing… it’s impossible to go back to the beginning. It’s impossible to have a perfect, pain-free life. In fact, the book of James teaches to count it pure joy when you face trials, tribulations, or troubles of any kind because it is a testing of your faith that produces perseverance.  Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. You see, in this life time… pain is good, pain reminds us that this is not our home. Pain reminds us to keep our eyes on the price — heaven. 

The night I was bawling my eyes out, something funny happened… my necklace somehow fell off my neck. I NEVER take my necklace off because of it’s rich meaning to me, yet it laid on the floor right in front of my face as I cried out to God. What’s so funny about this? I bought this silver feather necklace prior to this season as a daily reminder of my favorite scripture verse, Matthew 6:26-27.

Look at the birds of the sky: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?

You see, while Satan was screaming his lies and waging war with the Truth of God’s word that I held deeply in my heart, God subtly reminding me… “I am here. You are mine, and I am Yours. I value you, don’t lose hope. Don’t. Lose. Hope.”

I have an undergrad and masters degree in worship and christian ministry and I am a pastor… but none of those things prevented me from going into this season. I couldn’t rely on my educational accomplishments or my position to get me through my season. I had rely on God. Throughout this season, I had to dive deeper into my relationship with God than I ever had before. Throughout this season, I learned more about the heart of God and worship more than any school could ever teach me. This season has lasted 8 months. In the past 8 months, I had to realign myself to focus on the things that truly mattered. In the past 8 months, I had to balance my work load like never before in order to not burn out. In the past 8 months I have intentionally prayed and worshiped in ways I never prayed and worshiped before. These have been 8 months of brokenness and healing that HAD to take place in order to be go deeper in my relationship with God and as a spiritual leader.

How has God been responding to my brokenness? He’s been mending and reshaping it for His glory and kingdom come. And God wants to do the same with YOU. Yeah, you reading this article, God wants to mend your brokenness for HIS glory and for your good. 

I am not the only one in here with issues, I’m just bold enough to get up on a stage in front of hundreds of people and talk about it. Everyone is going through something - depression, anxiety, issues with money, issues with friends, issues with family, marital issues. Everyone has something, and if you don’t… just wait, someday you will, it’s unfortunately a part of life. No matter what you are facing, I want you to know that you are NOT alone. You have a God that loves you. You have a church that loves you. And guess what… it’s ok to have Jesus and a therapist too if that is what you need - I know I needed one! It’s ok to not be ok, but seek God in your brokenness no matter what!

As I am writing this article, I am praying for spiritual breakthrough in your life. That God not only uses your brokenness for his glory, but that you recognize His hands at work in your life. Take a minute and just pray. Boldly pray for spiritual breakthrough in whatever it is you are facing pray that God uses it for His glory and kingdom come. 

- Take a minute to pray - 

Philipians 4:4-5

Rejoice in the Lord always. I will say it again: Rejoice!  Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near.

Whatever it is your are facing rejoice, because you know God is near, He will with you every step of the way.

At the beginning of this article, I mentioned that I shared my testimony of this season at One Night in Worship 2019. My favorite part of the night was when we stopped and prayed for our various communities. Why? Well… we can all agree that life it rough, right? This season of depression and anxiety for me was the worst. I felt lost, and yet I have Jesus. I never lost sight of the promise of God’s Word during this season, but the pain I was experiencing was very much real. In my pain, I still had Jesus — I still had HOPE. As Christians, it doesn’t matter what we go through, we have Jesus! 

But what about those those who don’t have Jesus?? Think of those who are living in pain without the hope and joy of God and his promise. As a church, our hearts should break for these people. As THE Church, may we not lose sight of our calling (Matthew 28:16-20). We are called to be a light in this dark world; and news flash, the world just keeps getting darker and darker. So when we prayed over our various communities, we prayed for spiritual breakthrough — REVIVAL. That God would spark revival in our communities through us, His Church, His people. We prayed that we would be the church and disciples we were called to be. This was by far the most powerful moment of One Night in Worship 2019, and I want to invite you to pray right now as well. Take a minute now and pray for your community. 

- Take a minute to pray - 

I want to thank you so much for taking the time to read this article of spiritual breakthrough and HOPE. Remember, you are not alone! You are loved. You will get through whatever it is you are going through. God is good. God is not finished. Worship boldly and declare His truths and promises over your life! 

As for me… I’m not giving up. I’m not giving in. I’m not walking away. I am pushing forward, trusting that God is in control. I’d love to stay connected with you - follow me on instagram at @thedavidconley and at facebook.com/conleyworship!

Photos by Sater Photography.

A few thank you’s… 

• Thank you God, for never leaving me, or abandoning me in my brokenness.

• Thank you to my parents and sisters who cried with me and loved me and helped guided me through this season.

• Thank you to my counselor, for helping unravel all the emotions, pain, confusion, hurt, and darkness. You were a God-send. Thank you for the weeks of counseling and guidance!

• Eric, for being the best friend and brother I always prayed for; loving me, encouraging me, and supporting me through this season.

• My friends, for always putting a smile on my face and praying for me every time I reached out to you.

• My church leadership, for not seeing me as damaged goods… but as a leader God was shaping and molding into something new for His glory and kingdom come. Thank you for loving me, shepherding me, and showing me how to lead through my brokenness.

• One Collective Worship, for being there and supporting my vision of uniting the church in worship and prayer. Thank you for allowing me to lead. I am excited about our future as a band, for God’s glory and kingdom come! Great things are to come!