Understanding and Healing from Church Hurt
As I begin, I want to preference that this article is not aimed towards anyone, leadership or church. However, at 29 years old, I have experienced a lot within the Church. I have been a part of multiple churches since college.
I have witnessed the church thrive, grow, and do incredible things in Jesus name. I’ve also witnessed questionable leadership, a church split, burnout, wolves in sheep's clothing, and a lot of spiritual warfare — stuff Liberty University did NOT prepare me for in the slightest — personally or professionally
One of the greatest things I have learned through the years is that maturing is not blaming God for the hurt caused by people.
While the Church is a gathering of God’s people — we are still flawed, sinful people. When broken people gather, things are likely to get more broken at some point. Why? Godly or not, in our sinful nature, we are selfish, arrogant, and needy.
The church gathers to be reminded and worship the truth and promise of God — Old Testament, and the fulfillment of God’s truth and promise — New Testament.
This gathering is VITAL for spiritual growth. But in the new age trend of “religion self,” it’s easy to deconstruction religion and attack/cut down the church.
Why discuss this topic?
Well… it’s personal.
In 2019 I was finishing my master’s degree. I was so excited. God placed so many dreams in my heart. I wanted to be a worship leader, worship artist, Christian motivational speaker, book writer, and eventually husband if I ever found the right girl. I had big dreams. Issue was… I was burned out and burnt by people. I attempted to complete my master's degree online, working a full-time job, releasing my first music project, and balancing relationships all at once. I mean, all of that worked until I mentally crashed three months before I graduated with my master’s degree. I struggled to finish school assignments. I struggled to focus at work for more than fifteen minutes at a time. I found no passion in music. Relationships were failing left and right. Scrambling for answers, I sought professional help and was diagnosed with chronic depression and anxiety. This led to a hard three-year recovery… I had to recover mentally, emotionally, relationally, and spiritually.
In this timeline, I also dealt with a lot of church hurt. I grew angry and bitter towards people and God. This leads me down a road of deconstruction. I wanted to know the what, who, how, and why of everything — which to this day I believe is 100% fine. But it’s also a dangerous place to be in if you are alone. It’s a place of intense spiritual, emotional, and mental warfare.
I learned that God welcomes deconstruction. Why? What if God is more than the box we put Him in? What if you have preconceived ideas of God he wants to demolish? What if God is trying to prune relationships in your life that are going to hinder your life? What if there is so much more… and all you are thinking about is the pain in the here and now.
God wants us to deconstruct ourselves back to Him. There are too many distractions and God wants to deconstruct them all so we desire Him like never before.
A colleague and friend of mine wrote this in response to this topic:
Something I learned from my journey is the depth of our pain that he allows, is an indication of God's intention in our lives and like your said, I don't blame God for my pain. But my idea of who God is had to change (reconstructed view). Because Most of what I believed about God was based on how I wanted to see the world work. It's broken and so am I. I'm discovering, God's not trying to make us better, he's making us holy, "better" is the by product. - Jeff Tomlian
Healing comes from knowing and understanding God.
When you begin to heal, you will see necessary steps towards growth in your life — with God and with the people around you.
One of the greatest steps towards growth that I cannot stress enough is boundaries.
The truth is, people are the best and worst of God’s creation. People are beautiful and precious in His sight, but on this side of heaven… people can be the literal worst. They can be quick to backstab, talk behind your back, manipulate, etc.
BUT WE’RE CALLED TO LOVE PEOPLE?!?!?! HOW?
My dad once lovingly said, “you have to have the heart of a teddy bear, but the skin of a rhino.”
Boundaries protect you and your loved ones. Never stop loving those who hurt you… that doesn’t mean you don’t set up strict boundaries to protect yourself, your family, your integrity, and your calling. Your integrity? Yeah… I let people into my inner circle who twisted the knife deep when they didn’t get what they wanted out of the relationship.
Set your boundaries friends.
WHY GO TO CHURCH THEN? BUNCH OF HYPOCRITES!
You’re right. We are. It’s true outside of the church too. The church has pretended to be perfect for generations and it needs to end. The truth is, we’re a bunch of broken people in need of a perfect Savior. That pastor you see on stage, he’s just as broken as you… He just knows how to study the Word of God, has public speaking skills, and has the heart to share with people. That worship leader… he/she’s just a talented musician that wants to use their gift for God. We’re no different than anyone else.
I’d honestly rather be friends with non-Christians at times because they are less judgmental. I always find it funny when they find out I’m a pastor and they apologize for their speech or way of life… and I simply say, “Please don’t. Please don’t change for me. Be yourself. I’m not that type of pastor.” Change in the world doesn’t come from quilting, shaming, or bible-thumping people — it comes from building a relationship and loving people.
Why go to church?
The church is NOT a country club for saints. It’s a hospital for sinners. It’s a place for healing, worship, grace reminder, accountability, prayer, and more. Will you find hypocrites there? Yes. But you will also find them outside of the church in every aspect of life. It’s a broken world.
Forgiveness.
I’m going to be honest, this one is hard. With all the things I’ve seen, heard, and experienced… I’ve become so angry over the past few years — some people noticed, and others were completely oblivious. In my anger, I wanted nothing to do with people. If they crossed me, they were cut (this is an example of a boundary going too far). Why did this happen? Because I was afraid of being hurt more than I already was. In 2019, I wrote a song called Eden… it’s by far the safest song I have ever written… the very first line of the song is “the pain I feel within my heart is like I am rotting from within.” I was afraid of feeling that pain or something worse ever again.
In my healing, in my rest… I had to learn to forgive.
Does that mean I want certain people back in my life? No. I’ve lived, I’ve learned, I’ve set up boundaries — I forgive, but that doesn’t mean I trust. I’m only human after all. Are there people I would let back into my life? Absolutely. Are there people I desperately wish back in my life? Yes.
Without forgiveness, you will not heal completely. Forgive those who had a part in breaking you — they also had a part in making you stronger. If you don’t forgive, they hold unnecessary power over your heart and mind.
Take away:
People Are Broken.
I AM BROKEN.
I was hurting - other people were too.
I was healing - other people were too.
I am healing - other people are too.
Hurt people hurt people.
Broken people break things.
Forgiveness is necessary for healing.
Maturing is not blaming God for the action of men.
God is still moving.
God is still speaking.
God is working.
God welcomes deconstruction, if you ask the right question it will all point back to Him.
Church hurt hurts. But there is refining taking place in the hurt.
Here are some of my best resources for healing:
Church — Don’t stop going. Set up boundaries with people like you would outside of church if needed. Church is necessary for spiritual growth.
Pray — Don’t starve yourself from a conversation with God, even if it means you’re screaming and cussing at Him. He will welcome you in and humble you well quick with love, grace, and mercy.
Counseling — It’s ok to have Jesus and a therapist too. I had a therapist for over two years and plan to still meet with him when needed. He saved me from myself. He helped me rediscover my self, God, and my calling.
Only input what is good — Only worship music. Only wholesome shows. Let yourself heal, detox, and rest.
READ — Whether you are a reader or not… reading requires your time and focus. It can even induce sleep if your sleep deprived. Books that really helped me were Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Peter Scazzero, Don’t Waste Your Sorrow by Paul E. Billheimer, Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Comer, and Dangerous Prayers by Craig Groeschel, When God Becomes Real by Brian Johnson.